10 Ways to Guide Children without Punishment

Parents, stay kind and connected while setting limits. Children will internalize what they’ve lived. They don't resist their guidance, so they feel connected, and they see their impact on others, so they’re considerate and responsible. Because they’ve had parents who modeled emotional self-regulation, they’ve learned to manage their own emotions, and therefore their own behavior. Because they’re been accepted for all of who they are, they’re in touch with their own passions and motivated to explore them.

• 1. Regulate your own emotions. That’s how children learn to manage themselves. You’re the role model. Don’t act when you’re upset. If you can’t get in touch with your love for your child, then what would a really fantastic parent do right now? Do that. If you can’t, then take a deep breath and wait until you’re calm before you address the situation. Resist the impulse to be punitive. It always backfires.

• 2. Honor feelings. When your child is hijacked by adrenaline and other fight or flight hormones, he can’t learn. Instead of lecturing, do a “Time-In” where you stay with your child and let him have his meltdown in your attentive presence. Your goal is to provide a calm “holding environment” for your child’s upset. Expressing emotions with a safe, attentive, accepting adult is what helps kids move through those feelings and learn to self-soothe so they can regulate their own emotions eventually. Don’t try to reason with him during the emotional storm. Afterward, he’ll feel so much better, and so much closer to you, that he’ll be open to your guidance about why we don’t say “Shut Up” (Because it hurts feelings) or lie (Because it cuts the invisible cords that connect our hearts to each other.)

• 3. Remember how children learn. Consider the example of teeth brushing. Start when she’s a baby, model brushing your own teeth, make it fun for her, gradually give her more of the responsibility, and eventually, she’ll be doing it herself. The same principle holds for learning to say Thank You, taking turns, remembering her belongings, feeding her pet, doing homework, and most everything else you can think of. Routines are invaluable partly because they provide the “scaffolding” for your child to learn basic skills, just as scaffolding provides the structure for a building to take shape. You might be mad she forgot her jacket again, but yelling won’t help her remember. “Scaffolding” will.
• 4. Connect before you correct, and stay connected, even while you guide, to awaken your child’s desire to be his best self. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us.

Stoop down to their level and look them in the eyes: “You are mad…Tell me what you need in words… no biting!”

Pick him/her up: “You wish you could play longer… it’s time for bed.”

Make loving eye contact: “You are so upset right now.”

Put your hand on her shoulder: “You’re scared to tell me about the cookie.”

• 5. Set limits — but set them with empathy. Of course, you need to insist on some rules. But you can also acknowledge her perspective. When kids feel understood, they’re more able to accept our limits.

“No biting! You’re very mad and hurt, but you need to tell your brother in words.”

“It’s bedtime now. I know you wish you could play longer.”

“You don’t want Mommy to say No, I hear you…And the answer is No. We don’t say ‘Shut Up’ to each other, even when we’re sad and mad.”

“No matter how scared you are, I need you to tell me the truth.”

• 6. Remember that all “misbehavior” is an expression, however misguided, of a legitimate need. He has a reason, even if you don’t think it’s a good one. His behavior is terrible? He must feel terrible inside. Does he need more sleep, more time with you, more downtime, another chance to cry and release those upsetting emotions we all store up? Address the underlying need and you eliminate the misbehavior.
• 7. Say YES. Kids will do almost anything we request if we make the request with a loving heart. Find a way to say YES instead of NO even while you set your limit. “YES, it’s time to clean up, and YES I will help you and YES we can leave your tower up, and YES you can growl about it, and YES if we hurry we can read an extra story, and YES we can make this fun and YES I adore you and YES how did I get so lucky to be your parent? YES!” Your child will respond with the generosity of spirit that matches yours.
• 8. Stay connected with special times, every day. Turn off the phone, close the computer, and tell your child “Ok, I’m all yours for the next 20 minutes. What should we do?” Follow her lead. The world is full of humiliation for kids, so for these 20 minutes just be an incompetent bumbler and let her win. Giggling releases pent-up fears and anxiety, so make sure to play, giggle, and be silly. Have a pillow fight. Wrestle. Snuggle. Let her tell you what’s on her mind, let her rant or cry. Just accept all those feelings. Be 100% present. Kids who know they can count on daily special time with their parents flourish because they trust enough to express their full range of emotions, and they WANT to behave.
• 9. Forgive yourself. You can’t be an inspired parent if you’re feeling bad about yourself, any more than your child can act “right” if she feels bad about herself. You can always repair the relationship. Start today.
• 10. When all else fails, give yourself a big hug. Then give your child a big hug. Connection trumps everything else in parenting.

Disclaimer: There are many theories put forward about parenting and punishment. It is best to research and make informed decisions about the style of parenting you wish to adopt.